BREAKING:
The same mouth-breathing patriots who spent a decade howling about government weaponization just birthed a $1.8 billion taxpayer-funded Victimhood Reimbursement Program - because nothing says “small government” like turning the U.S. Treasury into a giant emotional support hamster wheel for people who got mean tweets.
Meanwhile, Trump’s out here endorsing primary challengers against his own guys like a coked-up mafia don settling old scores, threatening to bomb Iran between bites of a Big Mac, and “negotiating” with China like a drunk tourist buying fake AirPods from a guy in a mall kiosk who clearly just stole them from the stockroom. Senate Republicans are in full revolt - not the noble kind, but the “my toddler missed his nap and now the restaurant is burning” kind.
This week wasn’t politics. This was Thanksgiving dinner at the nuclear launch facility after Uncle Randy found the good whiskey and the launch codes.
Welcome back, you beautiful degenerates
to another bloodshot episode of The Uncomfortable Weekly — where we take the festering corpse of American politics, prop it up on the table, and perform an autopsy with a rusty spoon and a smile.
I’m your host Ryan, mainlining caffeine and existential dread from Aspen Hill, and this week Washington looked less like a government and more like a group chat that got accidentally added to the family reunion right as Aunt Karen started talking about microchips in the vaccines.
Let’s rip the bandage off:
Trump’s out endorsing the guy trying to primary his own Texas senator. Loyalty, baby. Real “stab your friends in the back while wearing a red hat” energy. Pure gangster shit, except the gang can’t organize a decent carpool.
Iran ceasefire? Hanging by a thread thinner than Trump’s patience when a reporter asks him a question with more than six words.
Historic trip to Beijing. Trump comes back with some nice takeout menus and the geopolitical equivalent of “I’ll call you.” Xi Jinping probably still laughing into his sleeve.
New Fed Chair sworn in with the ceremonial pomp of a royal wedding and the actual spine of a golden retriever at an unattended barbecue.
And the grand finale: the $1.8 billion “We Were Persecuted” slush fund — a bureaucratic circle-jerk so shameless it made Senate Republicans lose their goddamn minds harder than a vegan who just found out the Beyond Burger was made in the same facility as real meat.
Five stories. Zero chill. One week of this demented carnival we call the greatest country on Earth.
Strap in, folks. The wheels are wobbling, the pilot’s been day-drinking since 2016, and the oxygen masks just dropped. If you’re not laughing, you’re not paying attention — or you’re part of it. Either way, welcome to the freak show.
TRUMP ENDORSES KEN PAXTON AND KNIFES HIS OWN SENATOR IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
John Cornyn has been a loyal Republican senator from Texas for over two decades. He carried water for the party through every fever dream, every scandal, every era. He spent more than a year begging — begging — for a Trump endorsement in his own primary. And this week, Trump looked him dead in the eyes and endorsed the guy trying to take his job. (Texas Tribune)
Not only that — Trump’s stated reason was that Cornyn was “late” to support his 2024 campaign. (Texas Tribune) That’s it. That’s the crime. Being late. In Trump World, punctuality of loyalty is apparently the highest virtue, and Cornyn failed the vibe check.
Meanwhile, Ken Paxton — a man who was impeached by his own party’s legislature (Texas Tribune), accused of bribery, and once had his own top aides blow the whistle on him to the FBI — is now the MAGA-endorsed Senate candidate. This is fine. Everything is normal. The runoff is May 26, and early voting turnout is low, which means the most motivated weirdos win. Place your bets.
The broader point nobody wants to make: Trump is now actively primarying the senators he needs to govern. The same week this endorsement dropped, his Senate majority couldn’t pass an immigration bill because those same senators revolted. You can’t kneecap your own caucus and then blame the Democrats when nothing gets done. But here we are.
THE IRAN “CEASEFIRE” (CEASEFIRE IS DOING A LOT OF WORK IN THAT SENTENCE)
Great news: the United States and Iran are technically not at war right now. Terrible news: Trump said this week we were one hour away from launching new strikes before Arab allies talked him off the ledge. (CBN News) One hour. That is less time than it takes to watch a Marvel movie nobody asked for.
The ceasefire is held together with diplomatic duct tape. Iran said the latest U.S. proposal has “narrowed the gaps to some extent” (Bloomberg), which in diplomatic language means “we have agreed on nothing but nobody is dead yet today.”
The Strait of Hormuz — the narrow waterway through which a massive share of the world’s oil supply moves — remains in play. If you have noticed gas prices eating your soul at the pump, congratulations: you are experiencing the real-time economic consequences of this “ceasefire.” The two things are connected. They are always connected. It just doesn’t make for a good chyron.
Somehow this is story number four this week. That tells you everything about the rest of the list.
TRUMP IN BEIJING: 1 BANQUET+1 RED CARPET-1 TAIWAN=?
This was the first time an American president set foot in Beijing for a summit in nine years. (CFR) The Chinese rolled out a literal red carpet. There was a grand welcoming ceremony at the Great Hall of the People. Maximum pageantry. The substance was a different story.
Xi warned Trump that mishandling Taiwan would put the U.S.-China relationship into “great jeopardy.” (CNBC) Trump responded by going on Fox News — from Beijing, while still a guest of the Chinese government — and saying Taiwan should “cool it a little bit.” China’s foreign minister then told state media that the U.S. “understands China’s position” on Taiwan. (CNN)
They got a usable quote from the sitting American president, broadcast on American television, that they immediately turned into a diplomatic win. The Chinese didn’t even have to ask for it. He just said it on Fox.
Putin visited Beijing shortly after. Analysts described the summit as “heavy on symbolism and light on substance.” (CNBC) Which, to be fair, describes most things these days. At minimum, the Temple of Heaven visit was probably nice.
AMERICA GETS NEW FED CHAIR. And HE WAS SWORN IN BY CLARENCE THOMAS AT WHITE HOUSE… BECAUSE… WHY NOT
Kevin Warsh is now the 11th Federal Reserve chair of the modern era and, based on his financial disclosures, the wealthiest person ever to hold the position. (CNBC) He was sworn in today at the White House — the first Fed chair sworn in there since Alan Greenspan in 1987 (CNBC) — with Justices Thomas and Kavanaugh in attendance, plus the Speaker of the House and half the Cabinet. For a “nonpartisan, independent institution,” this was giving coronation energy.
Trump stood at the podium and said, “I want Kevin to be totally independent. Don’t look at me and don’t look at anybody. Just do your own job.” (Al Jazeera) He said this. At his house. After spending years publicly attacking Jerome Powell and accusing him of having “Trump derangement syndrome.” (CNBC) The independence speech landed accordingly.
Here is the part that should keep rate-watchers up at night: when Biden was president, Warsh publicly argued against cutting rates. When Trump took office, he changed his position. (Al Jazeera) Trump handpicked him expecting rate cuts. And yet JPMorgan analysts forecast rates staying flat until mid-2027 — and potentially rising after that. (Al Jazeera) Trump wanted a rate-cutter. He may have hired a rate-hiker. That first press conference is going to be appointment television.
A $1.776 Billion ‘We Got Persecuted’ Fund Blows Up GOP
This is the story of the week and it isn’t close.
The DOJ announced a $1.8 billion fund to compensate individuals who claim they were “politically persecuted” by prior administrations. This includes people convicted of violent crimes during the January 6 Capitol riot. (Daily Record) Senate Republicans — the people whose entire brand is fiscal discipline, law and order, and screaming about government waste — immediately revolted. One GOP senator called it a “payout pot for punks.” (Mississippi Now) That is a direct quote from a sitting U.S. senator about his own president’s proposal. Frame it. Put it on a wall.
The issue became so toxic that the GOP couldn’t muster 50 votes to pass a $72 billion ICE and border security bill (CNN) — which was their marquee pre-Memorial Day legislative priority. The White House canceled a planned meeting with Speaker Mike Johnson. The House canceled its Friday votes. (KESQ) Congress left for recess with nothing. The whole thing collapsed like a folding chair at a county fair.
And then a reporter asked Trump in the Oval Office if he had lost control of his own Senate. His answer: “I don’t know. I really don’t know. I only do what’s right.” (KESQ)
The sitting president of the United States does not know if he controls his own party. He said this out loud. To a reporter. On camera.
Let’s just sit with that for a second.
The fund meant to compensate victims of government overreach ended up demonstrating — in real time, in one week — that this government cannot function. The party that spent four years claiming they were being weaponized against just tried to create a literal fund to cash out that grievance, and their own members called it corrupt. The bill designed to crack down on illegal immigration died because of a slush fund for January 6th rioters. You cannot write this. A screenwriter would get notes saying it was too on the nose.
The Wrap
Another seven days in the clown car we call American politics. New rule: If you’re going to complain about government weaponization for a decade, maybe don’t create a billion-dollar grievance fund the second you get back in power. It makes the whole thing look less like principle and more like payback with better branding.
Democrats, don’t get too smug — you’ve had your own versions of this nonsense. But right now, the Republicans are putting on a masterclass in eating their own. New rule: Loyalty isn’t demanding your party pay off your friends with taxpayer money. It’s actually governing.
We’ll be back next week with more stories that make you want to laugh, cry, and hide under the covers. Until then, stay uncomfortable. It’s the only honest way to watch this circus.
That’s your week. If this made you uncomfortable, good. That’s the whole point.
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